PenWomanShip

My brother Brandon's wedding made me realize that smart people elope and instead use their wedding money to put down on a house. His late afternoon wedding and reception were both held at the Disneyland Hotel. The ceremony was in a white gazebo in a grassy area between two hotel buildings. An aisle divided the rows of folding chairs set up on the lush lawn.

The music started and the wedding procession stepped onto the grass. Immediately the bridesmaids almost fell on their faces when their high heels sank into the soft soil of the lawn. The poor women yanked themselves out of the ground and made their way back to the safety of the sidewalk. Someone informed the Disney staff that there was a problem.

In minutes, identical-looking male Disney employees in black slacks, ties and gray blazers scurried over to place wooden planks down the length of the grassy aisle.

After the ceremony ended, everyone attempted to open blue satin bags of environmentally correct birdseed to throw at my brother and his bride as they walked the planks down the aisle. The white ribbons around the bags were tied so tightly that some people could not get them open. The morons from the bride's side threw the satiny pouches at the bride and groom as they passed by. Instead of being lightly pelted with seeds, Brandon later told me it felt like being hit by those beanbags riot police use.

Luckily, the wedding pictures posed with my side of the family were finished first, so I was able to escape and ducked into the banquet room where my aunt and uncle had just sat down. In the middle of each table were blue and white carnation centerpieces surrounded by place settings of white and bundles of mints wrapped in blue toule.

"I'm starved," my Uncle Dan said. My father's brother Dan is an ex-Marine with thick brown hair and startling green eyes above a crooked nose. My brother Brandon is the spitting image of Dan, which has always made my aunt suspicious. Uncle Dan sipped a highball then raised an eyebrow as he put his glass down. "Heard they're serving chicken," he grumbled.

"Is it an open bar?" I asked my uncle.

"Hell no. Cost me four bucks and the damn thing's mostly ice," Uncle Dan complained. "It's a good thing your Auntie Keiko's on the wagon."

My Aunt Keiko is Japanese and stereotypically complacent only around strangers. She's short and that day was dressed in a pink belted dress with matching shoes. She looked at her watch. "Almost six. Hope they finish those photos soon. I'm starved."

The bar that was manned by a wide-toothed Disney employee who looked like an Osmond. Reluctantly, I paid two bucks for two ounces of Pepsi poured over a full glass of ice. I got back to the table with my pricey Pepsi just as my sister Kat and her ex-con boyfriend Neal, an unsuccessful bank robber, joined us. Thankfully, today his long-sleeve shirt covered up the Zig-Zag Man tattooed on his arm.

My sister Kat tossed her brown hair over her bare shoulders. She was dressed in a plain cotton sundress that was more appropriate for a picnic than a wedding. Then again she was better dressed than the tourists peeking in were as they walked past the open door. Kat pointed to my glass. "Drinks free?"

I ignored her. "I didn't see you guys at the ceremony."

"Just got here," said her jailbird. "Wouldn't want to miss a free meal."

Kat pointed to my glass. "Get me a drink Neal."

"Baby, I'm broke. Besides, it's almost chow time."

I only wish Mr. Criminal Mastermind had been right. Uncle Dan went through two more high-priced highballs while I nursed a second Pepsi. Kat kept bugging her starving bank robber for a beer until he finally broke down. "There's a couple of cans of Bud in the trunk from that party last night," said Neal, standing up.

Jailbird wandered away as I tore open the package of mints in front of my empty plate. "This is getting ridiculous," I fumed. "We've been sitting here over an hour."

"They're probably making us wait until a certain amount of drinks are sold or they'll have to pay an extra charge for the bar setup," complained my aunt, tossing aside her empty mint mesh and reaching for another from an empty place setting across the table.

"I was gonna take those," my uncle protested, crushing his own empty piece of blue netting in his fist.

"We'll split 'em," Aunt Keiko offered, tearing open the mesh. At least the mints were easier to open than the birdseed.

Neal appeared at the entrance to the banquet room just as Kat rushed to snag the mints from his place at the table. Two men in dark suits and earpieces like Secret Service agents stopped Neal at the door. The jailbird held a Bud can in each hand, arguing over their insistence that he not bring non-Disney beverages into the room.

Kat jumped out of her chair to go to Neal's side but sat back down when she noticed servers finally walking into the room with trays of food. The four of us forgot about Neal as we dug into salads of green iceberg layered over a bed of bitter yellow core leaves.

Neal finally managed to make it back to the table minus his beers as the waiters cleared our picked-over salad plates. Giddy with hunger, we clapped as they brought out the main course. Our claps died as we looked at two tiny red potatoes rolling around on our plates next to half a chicken breast and a half-cooked pair of broccoli flowerets. The chicken was dry and the potatoes were like red rocks. We choked down the edible parts, washing it all down with water. Thankfully, the hotel staff had left two pitchers of ice water on each table.

I could hear my uncle's stomach growling as we clapped and suffered through the stupid wedding cake stunts and a couple of lame toasts. Finally, small plates of white cake were put in front of us.

After the miniscule slices of wedding cake had been devoured, Aunt Keiko spoke up first. "I noticed Jack in the Box down the street has ninety-nine cent Jumbo Jacks."
Uncle Dan wanted to go somewhere that served drinks and steaks.

"You promised two drinks only," my aunt said.

"Just 'cuz you've got a problem with booze doesn't mean I can't enjoy a drink," said Uncle Dan, throwing his napkin on the table. Aunt Keiko got mad and insisted that she just wanted to go home and take her shoes off.

Kat tried to convince Jailbird to hit the drive-up window at Taco Bell. "That Jumbo Jack sounds good to me," Neal insisted. "If you don't like it, you can walk home."
The bride's father got up and announced that the money dance was about to start. I figured this was my chance to slip away gracefully. "I'm going to hit the restroom," I lied to everyone at my table. I headed outside and was not surprised to see that my aunt, uncle, sister and her loser boyfriend were right behind me.

"Yeah, I gotta get back to the halfway house before curfew," Jailbird mumbled.

Aunt Keiko hobbled in her high heels behind my uncle. "Just take me home and then you can go wherever the hell you want," she said.

"Don't think I won't," Uncle Dan bellowed back.

By the time we got to our cars, my sister and Neal were arguing over some girl he'd looked at two days earlier and my aunt and uncle weren't speaking.

I can't wait to get married.