PenWomanShip

Hearing her at the same time, we stopped fussing and looked at each other curiously, but saying nothing. Simultaneously, we jumped up and ran into her bedroom. Mama was seated on the side of the bed with her head lowered, gripping the phone receiver as it lay resting on her lap. Her other hand covered her mouth; she was crying. My four-year old mind, though not fully comprehending what was happening, knew something was wrong. Mama was in pain, and from the way she cried, it was a pain beyond any pain she had ever felt. I became instinctively afraid without knowing why. I could feel my sister Barbara's fear as well and just as I was about to cry out, I heard my sister scream, "What's wrong Mama?'

Mama just sat there for what seemed like a lifetime, rocking back and forth, before the voice from the phone and my sister's and my presence brought her back to the moment. She picked me up, placing me on her lap while motioning to Barbara to sit beside her. It seemed as if the phone receiver must have weighed a hundred pounds with the effort it took her to lift it to her ear. "Yes, I'm alright," she murmured, "Thank you, I'll call you later."

I remember feeling like I didn't want her to hang up the phone, because something bad would follow. She put the receiver down and wiped her eyes before putting her arms around my sister and I.

This time I spoke first. "What's wrong Mommy? Why you crying?"

She drew a deep breath, as if she were about to dive underwater. "It's your Aunt Beanie," she said. "There's been an accident."

My sister who was more then five years my senior, seemed to know right away what Mama meant. Tears filled her eyes and slid down onto her blouse. I was frightened and confused now, because Barbara hardly ever cried, sometimes not even when Mama took the switch to her. She buried her head into Mama's chest, sobbing. Staring at her now I longed to be back in our bedroom with her fussing at me, and Mama in her room, doing whatever she was doing before the phone rang. I wanted to fix them, make them better, make them not cry.

I placed my small hand on my sister's back looking up at my mother, "Is Aunt Beanie coming over when she's finished with her accident?" I asked. I never wanted to take my words back, more than I did at that moment. Neither spoke, a new sorrow filled the air, a sorrow defining sorrow itself.

Mama squeezed me while saying the words that would never leave me. "Aunt Beanie is dead baby." I somehow understood that dead meant I would never see my Aunty again, and I grew sad. Mama kissed my sister on the top of her head and me on my forehead telling us not to worry. Everything would be all right.

We sat there on her bed, rocking back and forth, for a long time. Mama holding us as if determined to never lose anyone that she loved ever again.

Aunt Beanie was my mother's little sister, the baby of the family. Doris Mae was her real name. Beanie was the nickname given to her as a child, because pork & beans with sugar & butter on top, was her favorite meal. My mother and her two brothers would tease her, calling her "stinky sweetie beanie eater" because she would eat pork & beans every day, if grandma let her. The sweet beanie part stuck, the stinky did not.

The world would come to know her as a beautiful person. The kind that radiates sunshine wherever she is, drawing you into the warmth of her. Other than Mama, Aunt Beanie was Barbara's and my favorite person in the whole world. Like my sister and I, my mother, - Ethel who was the oldest - and Aunt Beanie were five years apart in age. But unlike my sister and I, they were inseparable. Aunt Beanie would follow my mother everywhere when they were younger and when they grew up, nothing much changed. Even when Mama married daddy and moved to Philadelphia, it wasn't too long before Aunt Beanie followed. When Mama gave birth to Barbara, Aunt Beanie was at our house helping her night and day. And when my mother miscarried and lost two babies before I was born, Aunt Beanie suffered as if she had lost the babies herself. By the time I came along, everyone said I was a miracle and Aunt Beanie never stopped treating me like I was. Our friends would sometimes tease us, saying we had two mothers always telling us what to do. But for us, it was like being blessed, twice.

Aunt Beanie couldn't bare children of her own. It wasn't from anything she did. It was just what God decided, she'd say. When she found out it stole a part of her heart. But what remained, what was left of her, she filled with a love of life, which she shared with anyone who came in contact with her. She especially loved my sister and I.

Still, she never stopped wanting her own family. So when Mr. Dan came into her life, she welcomed him with open arms.

Mr. Dan had come to work at Aunt Beanie's job about a year before. They became friends and she found out that he was a widower, with a small child, who just recently moved to Philly after his wife died. He told her that he wanted to make a fresh start for him and his son, who was two-years old and thank God, not yet old enough to understand and suffer from the loss of his mother. Aunt Beanie fell in love with him.

They began to date and shortly after that Mama began to notice a change in her, both mentally and physically. She became sullen and secretive. Her visits to our house became less and less frequent. Her bright and sunny self became dark and shadowy. Two nights before Mama got the phone call saying that Aunt Beanie was dead, Barbara and I were lying in bed when we heard them arguing. It was the first time we ever heard them raise their voices at each other. In disbelief, we made our way to the bedroom door.

"You don't know anything about him." Aunt Beanie yelled.

"Exactly" said Mama "and neither do you."

"I know enough, I know that he and little Danny need me."

"Beanie, I ain't sayin that baby boy don't need you. Lord knows he needs somebody to take care of him, cause his daddy don't give a damn about him. But, Beanie he don't give a damn about you either."

"How you know Ethel? What makes you such an expert on who cares about me?"

"Because I care about you, baby." Mama said, almost crying now. "Ever since you started seeing this man, you've changed. He's changed you. And don't think I don't know he's been beating on you."

"You're wrong Ethel. You're wrong! You don't know what you're talking about" Aunt Beanies' voice faded, sounding almost frightened now. "He doesn't beat on me. He may have grabbed me once or twice but he doesn't beat on me."

"Beanie don't lie to me girl," Mama said raising her voice again "Cause that's something you never did before this man came along. If he don't beat on you as you say, then how come you look the way you look and act the way you act?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, the way you always seem nervous and uneasy when you're over here with Little Danny, which by the way isn't that often anymore. The way you never let him out of your sight, you never let him go off and play with the girls. It's like you're afraid that he'll say something to them, that you don't want them to repeat to me."

"Like what?" Aunt Beanie said annoyed now.

"Like his daddy hit's on you."

"I told you, he doesn't hit me," Aunt Beanie yelled angrily. "Is it possible that you're just jealous? Jealous because I finally have a life and a family of my own and won't be able to spend all of my time over here helping you with yours?"

A sudden silence that everyone could hear filled the air. My sister and I were crouched at the top of the stairs by now. I wanted to run down the steps and ask Mama and Aunt Beanie to stop yelling at each other. But my body was glued to the banister. We sat there still, afraid, waiting. The next voice we heard was Mama's.

Soft and full of hurt she asked, "Is that what you think Beanie, that I'm jealous of you? You think I don't want you to be happy?"

Aunt Beanie's reply equally as pained, "No Sis," she said, her voice cracking.

"I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean that, I don't think that. It's just that I need you to be happy for me. I need you more then anyone to understand what I'm doing, why I have to. I love him Ethel, I love him and that little boy. It hasn't been easy, but I love him."

"But he don't love you, Sweetie." Mama said carefully. "He just wants to control you and he's doing that by taking you away from your family.

Sensing Aunt Beanie's rising agitation, Mama's tone turned calm and level so as not to upset Aunt Beanie again, "Baby we love you, and we can't stand to think of anyone hurting you. "

"He doesn't hurt me, Ethel" Aunt Beanie lied. "He's a very passionate person who gets a little over-heated sometimes." He's under a lot of stress right now. Trying to raise a small child, working a new job and living in a new city. I know he seems uptight, but you don't know him like I do. He's just afraid." Mama was also afraid. She knew that if she didn't choose her words carefully, she would loose Aunt Beanie forever.

"OK Sis, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm worried and a little scared too. I don't want to loose you. I don't want you to move away. But I do want you to be happy. So, all I ask is that you talk to him and ask him on behalf of the family if you guys could wait a little while. Don't leave this weekend. Just give us time to plan a going away party. It may be a long time before we see you again."

Her voice full of anxiety as she pleaded, "Can you talk to him, ask him to wait?' Aunt Beanie wiped her eyes and moved away from the mantle where she was standing, approaching Mama she wrapped her arms around her saying,
"Thank you Sis, I love you too. Don't worry, you won't loose me. I'll talk to Dan when he gets back from an out of town errand he had to run."

Mama wanted to comment, but she didn't. She was happy that she had convinced Aunt Beanie to stay. That would give her and the family a little time to think of something to get her away from Dan. She hoped. They disappeared into the kitchen where we could no longer see them. Relieved, Barbara and I went back to bed, happy that Mama had not seen us eavesdropping. We would not know that would be the last time we would ever see Aunt Beanie again.

When Dan returned from his trip that Friday, he and Aunt Beanie got into an heated argument. It turned violent when she asked him to delay their departure. She thought back to the week before when he first asked her to move down South with him. He told her that he was sick of city life and wanted to raise his son in a more stable environment. He and little Danny needed her. She knew that although they had their problems and he would hit her every once in a while, she loved him, and she loved that little boy, who needed her, even more. So she said yes, she would go with him. But she also loved her family, and wasn't in a hurry to leave. So she asked him if they could postpone the trip until later.

Mama was right. Aunt Beanie didn't know anything about him. She didn't know that he was suspected of killing his wife. She didn't know that the reason he wanted to leave so hurriedly was because he had been stealing money from the place where they worked, and knew that he would be discovered soon. She didn't know that to defy him would cost her her life. She asked him to wait for a short while. He said no. She asked again, this time insisting. He screamed, saying they would leave the next day, just as planned. She then said she would meet him later, once she had a chance to say goodbye to her family. He grew angrier. Telling her that she was coming with him, now. She told him she wasn't going anywhere that in fact she wasn't sure if she still wanted to go at all. She needed time to rethink the whole thing. He beat her to death.

After the funeral where everyone gathered at our house, Mama sat holding Little Danny, who kept crying for Aunt Beanie, not his father. This time his father did not take him. He ran leaving him asleep in his bed as Aunt Beanie lay bleeding to death.

He was captured a few hours later.

Mama and Daddy decided to keep Little Danny. Mama prayed that no one from his family would come to legally claim him. He was a part of Aunt Beanie, our connection to her. Although he wasn't her biological son, he was a part of her. Mama sat holding him, rocking back and forth, humming and hurting. Little Danny would not quiet down; he wanted Aunt Beanie. Everyone took turns trying to calm him. Then Mama got an idea. She got up and disappeared into the kitchen. She emerged a short time later carrying a bowl.

In it was pork & beans with sugar and butter on top. She placed it in front of Little Danny as my sister Barbara sat holding him at the table. Instantly, he stopped crying and reached for the bowl. The room grew quite as everyone gathered around the table, looking and remembering. Not able to contain her tears, Mama switched places with Barbara and began to feed Little Danny. Tears filled everyone's eyes. When he was done, Mama turned him around to face her, kissing his forehead, wiping his mouth she said, " There, there, my stinky, sweetie, beanie eater. Everything's going to be alright."